Sometimes
by Kimmimaru
Summary: It began with smiles and laughter, it began with sweet kisses and awkward fumbling... Another Angst ridden JP/SB. Please R


**AN: Another James/Sirius fic! :D This one is inspired somewhat by Adele's 'Someone Like you'...a beautiful song that made me just want to write! Anyways, for all you angst lovers out there, please enjoy! (Oh, there's no speech in this one...all from Sirius' pov!) R&R!**

Sometimes...

It began with smiles and laughter, it began with sweet kisses and awkward fumbling...but you knew there were deeper meanings to what you were doing. When he first touched you, it was electrical, a sharp, almost painful feeling that twisted up your insides until you became afraid that they would all fall out. It was slow, careful, painful and so wonderful it terrified you.

You remember gazing into hazel eyes and thinking how so fucking perfect he was, with that messy black hair plastered to his forehead with sweat, with a smudge of dirt on one cheek and leaves in his hair...you remember thinking that nothing in your life could ruin this moment because it was all your dreams becoming reality. You remember feeling him inside you, feeling those long, gentle fingers caressing your skin, you remember his soft, nervous whispers; _Are you alright? H-how is it? I'm not...hurting you am I?_

You remember the way the light streamed down from the roof of leaves above your heads, you remember his hot breath, his tongue, the swelling of his chest against your own and you remember the bruises, the tiny cuts on your skin...but most of all you remember his eyes. You remember whispering his name; _James..._

Even as you sit beneath the tree and watch him talking to Lily, you remember that time in the Forest, you will never, ever forget it...but the doubts start to creep in and begin to sow the seeds of darkness within you.

You don't want him to forget you, but you want to see him smile...but he's not smiling anymore. You don't understand what you've done wrong, you're confused as he pushes you away. You feel a sharp stab of brutal pain as your heart shatters in your chest, because you realise that you must have fallen in love with him at some point...and it hurts. It hurts so much you can't even breathe.

When he leaves you alone, sitting on the cold stone steps all you can taste is bile. All you can see is darkness. You will be leaving school tomorrow, and when he leaves he has told you he wants to propose to her...You wish he could know how much you want him...

Sometimes you wander why. In the dead of night when you roll over to see nothing but the cold side of the bed, you find yourself wandering why your heart still races whenever he's close, you wander why you can't breathe when he looks at you and you wander why you were stupid enough to agree to become his best man.

Sometimes you wander if you like torturing yourself, because he looks so damned good you find yourself staring, almost gaping. Sometimes you wish he would kill you. Sometimes living by his side, knowing he will never touch you again, knowing he will never kiss you again, makes living much too hard. Yet, when you see him smiling, when you see how gloriously happy he is, you try to convince yourself that it's all ok, eventually this pain, this intolerable, terrible pain will fade away and you will be able to look at him without feeling as if your heart was being squeezed.

Sometimes you wish you could keep your fat mouth shut. Sometimes you wish you could throw yourself from the top of a tall tower...because nothing is worth seeing that pain in his eyes...because there are no words more painful than those you have just spoken; _I love you._

You feel a burning in your eyes, as you lift the bottle to your lips. He can't even look at you. He will never be able to look at you again, because you've told him the one thing you'd swore you'd never say...but even the sharp sting of the alcohol cannot ease the burning in your chest. And you can't fight it anymore...

Sometimes you wish you could simply vanish, because he's too forgiving. Because he is so beautiful when he smiles you can't stop yourself from leaning closer, you can't stop your lips from touching his, and worse of all; you can't stop the soft sigh from escaping, the one that sounds much too like his name.

Sometimes you want to hit yourself for being so fucking stupid! Sometimes you want to walk away, because the pity in his eyes is too much and you can feel the tears on your cheeks and you want to scream. You want to scream and rage and hit him...but you don't. You sit there in silence and watch him standing. He tells you he can't stay, he tells you what he's doing is cruel and he's apologising...and he's walking away...you know he's going back to her but you can only watch as he walks out your door.

Sometimes you wish he would keep his mouth shut. Sometimes, when you invite him over, you wish he didn't have to bring his stern pity with him. Sometimes you regret asking him to keep you company, but the flat's too big for just you and you feel as if the walls are closing in on you and you can't handle being alone...but when he speaks, he uses his teachers voice, the one you love and hate all at the same time, when he's looking at you with those brown eyes, full of pity and helplessness you want to curl into his lap, like you used to when you were eleven and cry until you fall asleep...but you're an adult now and at eighteen you're too big for such things.

He understands. He knows too much, but he's the only one you can go to when everything gets too hard. When you see him with her, you can still feel your heart shattering...and you try to keep calm, but being with him is too hard now. He looks so happy, so wonderfully happy that you feel like an outsider, you feel like you don't belong so you leave. You leave and go back to your empty flat to sit in a corner and curl into a ball. You let your sobs escape into the silence as you picture his face, you see him so clearly; hazel eyes, messy black hair and that smudge of dirt on one cheek...

Sometimes you hate him. Sometimes, when he's smiling and happily jumping around you want him to know pain. You want him to understand that he's destroying you, that he's had your heart since that first time in the Forest, but you can't. You just can't wipe that smile from his face, because it's simply too wonderful. He's so beautiful it hurts.

Sometimes you wish everything could have been different...sometimes you wish you could go back and start over...sometimes, in the dead of night, in amongst the screams of the damned, you wish you could just see him smile at you one last time...


End file.
